Why Sex is Political: A Therapist's Perspective

Sex is something deeply personal and intimate, yet it's also inherently political. As a therapist specializing in sex therapy, I’ve seen firsthand how our ideas about sex, sexual identity, and desire are shaped by social structures, norms, and power dynamics. In this blog post, I’ll dive into why sex is political—examining how gender, race, class, and sexuality influence our sexual lives, and how therapy can help us untangle the mess.

The Political Side of Sex

At first glance, sex seems like a private, personal matter—something that happens behind closed doors. But in reality, it’s deeply influenced by politics. When I say “political,” I don’t just mean laws or governments. I mean the power dynamics, cultural norms, and societal expectations that affect how we experience sex and how our sexual identities are shaped.

For example, think about how you were taught about sex growing up. The messages we receive about what's “acceptable” or “normal” often come from family, media, or even school. These messages may not always be written down, but they can influence how we think about our bodies, desires, and relationships. And if we don’t conform to those expectations, we might feel shame, guilt, or even face discrimination.

It’s common to have an experience where someone feels disconnected from their own body or desires because they don’t fit into society’s neat little boxes. For example, a person might struggle with their libido in a relationship not because of the partner, but because they feel pressured to “perform” in ways that match their partner’s needs—or even society’s idea of what they "should" want. Therapy can help uncover how these societal pressures around gender and sexuality can block someone from truly enjoying sex.

That’s just one example of how sex and politics intersect. Sex isn’t just about what happens between two people; it’s shaped by forces beyond us—forces that we often don’t realize are at play.

The Historical Context: How We Got Here

Sex and politics have always been intertwined, but if we look back, the connection becomes even clearer. Societies have long regulated sexuality to maintain control over certain groups. Think back to a time when certain sexual behaviors—same-sex relationships, for example—were criminalized. For women, laws and social structures have often been about regulating reproduction and ensuring sexual behavior fits within specific norms.

If we look at the last century, the civil rights and LGBTQ+ movements have fought to change these outdated, discriminatory policies. So much of the fight for equality, whether it’s around sexual orientation, gender identity, or reproductive rights, is about politics. These political struggles directly influence the sexual lives of marginalized people, and sex therapy often involves addressing the emotional and psychological effects of this discrimination.

Gender Roles and Sexuality: The Politics of Who You Are

Gender roles are another major factor that ties sex to politics. Think about the traditional norms we’re taught growing up: boys are supposed to be dominant, assertive, and “ready” for sex at any moment, while girls are encouraged to be passive, nurturing, and maybe even a bit shy about their sexuality. These gendered expectations play a huge role in how people experience sex.

It’s common for someone to come into therapy struggling with performance anxiety because they feel the pressure to always be the one “in charge” in sexual relationships. This might be because societal norms have taught them that masculinity equals dominance, leading to feelings of insecurity when the person doesn’t fit this mold. Or conversely, someone might feel disconnected from their sexual desires because they’ve been taught that they are supposed to act a certain way based on their gender. This pressure to conform to certain masculine or feminine ideals often leaves people feeling like they can’t just relax and enjoy the experience.

This pressure to conform to gendered expectations creates power imbalances in relationships, where one partner may feel unable to express their desires while the other might feel pressured to perform in specific ways. Therapy can help individuals work through these issues, uncovering the root causes of sexual anxiety and helping them communicate better with their partners.

Consent and Power Dynamics: The Political Undercurrent

Consent is another area where the political and sexual worlds collide. It seems simple enough—sex should be about mutual agreement between all parties involved, right? But the reality is far messier. Power dynamics, social conditioning, and gender expectations can complicate what we think of as “consent.”

It’s common for someone to experience confusion or doubt about whether they actually wanted sex in a situation where one partner’s persistence overpowers the other’s reservations. This could look like feeling pressured into intimacy because one person is “persistent,” even though the other may have never explicitly said no. In therapy, we can unpack how gender roles and societal expectations around masculinity and femininity influence our perceptions of consent. For many, this conditioning makes it difficult to assert their desires and fully understand what consent means for them.

Sexual violence and harassment are political issues that require systemic change. Public discourse, laws, and movements like #MeToo challenge societal norms around consent, bringing attention to the fact that sex is not just personal—it’s also political.

The Body as a Political Battleground

The body itself is a major battleground in the politics of sex. What we think of as attractive, desirable, or “normal” is often determined by societal standards that don’t allow much room for diversity. From an early age, we’re exposed to idealized images of bodies that fit a narrow, mainstream standard—often promoting youth, thinness, and a certain physical shape.

It’s common for someone to come to therapy feeling disconnected from their sexuality because they don’t feel “attractive enough” to their partner. They might have internalized the belief that their body doesn’t measure up to society’s standards, which can lead to body shame. Therapy can help challenge these harmful ideas about body image and provide tools for embracing one's body, allowing individuals to reconnect with their desires and self-esteem.

The politics of the body aren’t limited to just body image. Consider how issues like access to healthcare or societal acceptance impact people who don’t fit into the traditional male-female gender binary. Transgender individuals, for example, face discrimination and limited access to medical care that directly affects their sexual expression. These issues create additional layers of complexity around sexual identity and body autonomy.

Pleasure and Power: Who Gets to Enjoy Sex?

Sex should be about pleasure, but let’s be real: It’s often not that simple. For years, women’s pleasure was ignored or minimized, while male pleasure was placed front and center. This unequal distribution of sexual power affects how people experience intimacy.

It’s common for someone to be in a relationship where their sexual needs and desires are overlooked in favor of their partner’s. In these situations, individuals may feel like they’re merely going through the motions rather than truly enjoying sex for themselves. This can be especially true for people in marginalized groups, whose sexual desires and identities have been stigmatized or invalidated. Therapy can be a transformative space for people to reclaim their sexual autonomy and start prioritizing their own pleasure.

The politics of pleasure involve shifting the narrative to one where everyone’s sexual needs and desires are equally valued. It’s about creating a world where diverse sexual identities and desires are celebrated, not shamed. Therapy can help people work through shame or guilt related to their sexual desires and help them develop a more open, fulfilling approach to intimacy.

Why Sex Therapy Matters

As a therapist, I’ve learned that understanding the political forces at play in people’s sexual lives is crucial. Therapy can be a space to untangle the ways in which cultural norms, gender expectations, and societal pressures impact our sexual experiences. It’s about creating a space where individuals and couples can explore their identities and desires in a safe, judgment-free zone.

In my practice, I see clients who come to therapy because they want to find more fulfilling, authentic sexual experiences. Often, they feel disconnected from their desires because they’ve internalized cultural messages that don’t serve them. Therapy isn’t just about fixing problems—it’s about creating a space for people to unpack the political and cultural baggage that might be holding them back.

Conclusion

In the end, sex is political because it’s not just about two individuals coming together. It’s shaped by broader cultural and societal forces. From gender roles and body image to issues of consent and pleasure, sex is deeply intertwined with power dynamics, both personal and political.

If you’re struggling with any of these issues, consider reaching out to a sex therapist. Therapy can be a powerful tool for unpacking the political forces that shape your sexual experiences, and it can help you reclaim your sexual autonomy and pleasure. Remember, your sexual life doesn’t have to fit the mold. It's about finding what works for you in a world that often tries to tell you what’s “normal.”

By understanding that sex is political, we can work toward creating a more inclusive, empowering sexual landscape for everyone. And that’s something worth fighting for.

Sex is Political