To Correct Or Not To Correct: Misgendering, and Why It’s Important to Use the Right Pronouns

Photo by ingenious0range on Unsplash

By Alice McCabe, Clinical Intern

Despite knowing something was “up” for years, that I was different in some way from a lot of my peers, I didn’t fully come out as a non-binary, transgender person until after high school. I’d first heard the term on Tumblr around 2013 in a search for my own identity, following queer-friendly blogs that would affirm my newfound bisexuality. But, I knew there was something I wasn’t getting – and eventually I would realise I, too, was trans. 

Not quite ready to come out and having only recently discovered the existence of non-binary genders, I kept it under wraps for years (and in the process, tried to convince myself I was a binary trans man which, clearly, did not work). 

I will say, very genuinely love being a non-binary person. I love the authenticity that my queerness has allowed me in the past decade. I love who I am as a queer person. And, I especially love being in a community of badass trans and gender non-conforming people who are confident in who they are, even if things aren’t always easy.

Something I truly don’t love about the experience, if I’m being honest, is the constant cycle of having to come out to people, and the constant internal, negative barrage when the external gendering-of-everything gets to be a bit too much. 

Photo by Raphael Renter | @raphi_rawr on Unsplash

I look pretty femme, and we live in a really binary world. Everything is gendered, especially in a white, western context, in which binary gender constructs were solidified violently during colonization.  We are taught from the moment we are born (and prior) to neatly, gently place a messy, complex human existence into one of two neat file folders. Are you a boy or a girl? Blue or pink? Slacks or skirt?

I want to say that while being unseen sucks, I struggle to express this to people. In all, even when I bind or dress more masc, I’m read as a cis white woman. When we consider power and privilege, cisgender white women have been allotted near the same privilege as their white, cis, male counterparts, and western feminist movements have catered to and improved the quality of life for white women while throwing women and other non-binary identities who do not meet the standards of white cis-ness under the bus.

However, I can’t deny the struggle I have of feeling affirmed, of not being seen as queer when I feel that my entire sense of queerness is my authenticity, too. In truth, being misgendered often feels like a denial of existence, a removal of identity, a knife in the heart. So I correct and move on…. Or do I?

I wish I was perfect, but in reality, I have a really hard time correcting people on my pronouns or declaring my identity – something I have gathered is pretty difficult for many of us transgender people. I am often around people I’ve known for years who can’t seem to gender me correctly despite being fully out since beginning at university. I remind people of it, I make sure to educate on trans perspectives constantly, and I am known to throw down a good joke about being trans because boy, with everything going on in the world, I really have to laugh sometimes or I’m going to cry. After such a long time exploring the concept of gender and all of our modern gender conceptions’ oppressive roots, I at least know people don’t always mean to put me in a box that feels suffocating. At the same time, it is that suffocation, and those deep roots, that make correcting and educating people on identity that much more important.

A little message:

Understanding and accepting trans and gender non-conforming identities comes with a lot of unlearning to do. Much of what we are taught about identity, our world, and people in general is through the lens of oppression – racism, sexism, classism… but it is up to us to make small changes in our language and in how we function in order to foster a kinder, more equitable world!

People often mean well, or mean nothing intentionally negative at all, when they use the wrong gendered terms. It happens to all of us! We’ve learned boy-and-girl, he-and-she all through life, and it takes some getting used to. I am a firm believer that to be a good ally, however, we must do the hard work of unlearning binarism, to see people as people first outside of just their gender identity, and to understand that while pronouns may seem less significant at times, they represent something a lot bigger – people being able to be themselves, to be seen as who they are.

What to do when you’ve been corrected on someone’s pronouns:

Correct and move on. 

I promise, that’s it!

Again, many well-meaning people who are trying to learn may feel tempted to repeatedly apologize, explain what they meant, et cetera; but this excessive apologizing leaves a lot of trans and gender nonconforming individuals feeling as though they have to comfort you. “Emotional labor” may be a term you’ve heard before, and it means taking on the work that goes into managing one’s expressions and emotions when interacting with other people. When we expect trans and gender nonconforming people to comfort us when we feel a little embarrassed, 

One thing that I challenge you to do, if you find you use the wrong pronouns a lot, or put others into that immediate girl/ boy dichotomy, and, especially if you identify as cisgender, is to ask yourself: What does gender mean to me? What is my own identity? Why do I identify this way?

While exploring your own gender can be a lot to personally unpack, I believe that exploring one’s own identity is a crucial step to decolonizing gender as a whole. We tend to think we act ways, think things, and like what we like due to our gender assigned at birth, but often we assign who we are to our gender rather than our true selves and the ways in which we have been socialized. And, we often take on traits and behaviors that do not align with our authentic selves – all because we believe “that’s what a man/ woman does!”

No one’s trying to change you by asking you to examine your own identity – it’s simply a way to get more in touch with who you are, and to punch a hole through the box you, too, may be suffocating in. 

Struggling with correcting people

I’d been pretty fed up with others’ lack of care in using the correct terms for me despite knowing me for years, having pretty much given up on correcting people. The more I hung around people who identified me along the lines of girl, woman, Ms., the more weight was added to the anvil in my chest. 

I was crying in my own therapy session about this when my therapist made a good point: when it’s hard to correct people, when we fear retaliation or a sob story, that’s reasonable. But, when we don’t correct people – especially when we are most likely safe to do so – we dishonor our identities, we add to our own emotional weight, we continue to make space for others when we deserve to take up space, too. 

Please listen to me: you’re not being annoying, burdensome, or a bad friend by correcting people. You are honoring yourself, you are taking the space that you are allowed to take, and you are saying “I deserve to be seen, respected, and visible without fear.”

If you feel like you have the support but are still struggling to correct others, start small. Tell a warm stranger your pronouns, check in with others on theirs, take that uncomfortable jump in correcting one person the next time it comes up. You deserve to be seen!

If you feel unsafe to come out, to correct people, I hope there comes a day where you have the support, safety, and self-love to do so. I want to honor all of those that have to stay hiding, even just for a moment, due to fear – you’re not alone, but you have a safe space here and in the community.